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Monthly Archives

March 2018

  • InBipolar II

    Who is Pepper Vintage Part I- The Part where “Vintage” made sense

    Who the heck is Pepper Vintage , where did she come from and Why Pepper Vintage?

    I get asked this question quite a bit I never really answer it because it’s such a long story and involves my life falling apart. So if your ready for story of a woman losing herself, hitting complete rock bottom , eventually dusting herself off and finding herself then keep reading. If not the short version is this. Pepper is me , she was created to represent me and my journey with bipolar but before that she was going to be a vintage store (see pictures way below)

    Ok long story and kudos for you sticking around to read this.

    Below is the doodle of Pepper and the first concept.  Inspiration came from Madonna’s children book The English Roses.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/302234.The_English_Roses

    Below are the early versions of Pepper Vintage circa 2009.

    I always loved and enjoyed working in retail. What I loved most about retail was helping women find the perfect outfit. It wasn’t just clothes or shopping it was about helping women feel their best not matter what their age or shape.

    In 2009 I wanted to start a vintage online shop. I had purchased a few dresses to get me started. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of the dressed that inspired the logo. The most important thing that I can tell you was that IT HAD POCKETS, and it was adorable, oh and also it was from Montgomery Wards.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Ward

    Below is a collage of dresses I collected and then sold.

    At the time I was suffering from depression. I had a pretty good melt down a few years before this and I my life was barely holding on for dear life.  This dream meant the world to me and it gave me something to focus on  other than my life falling apart and my inner demons. So I am a bit ADD so hang on because I am going to switch to my life crumbling to Pepper Vintage quite a bit.

    2009 I gave birth to my 5th child and I was a wreck of a mess. If you know anything about my story I gave up my 5th kid for adoption. (another blog for another time)

    I was  sadness, despair and a little self destruction all wrapped in one.

    To relieve some of that sadness we adopted a little black dog who we named ……. you guessed it, Pepper. She was a sweet rescue from the SPCA, she was part of a horrible puppy mill that was shut down and on the news. This sweet girl was over bred and was severely neglected. I knew she was in bad shape but I wanted to give her a home and show her a better life. Sadly a few days later she became very ill, and was diagnosed with distemper. She was laid to rest, we had her for only a week but I loved her so much. Losing Pepper crushed my soul. I can’t tell you how much I needed that dog, I needed to love and nurture after giving up a baby for adoption.

    (Pepper and AJ)

    After that devastating loss I still held on the idea of my Vintage Dress shop but it never went anywhere just remained a dream. Life started crumble around me pretty quickly. The depression was getting worse and so was my drinking (by the way I was misdiagnosed, I really had Bipolar ) Having Bipolar and being treated with antidepressants was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.

    The End of Part I …..

    Part II is when I destroy my life. Yep there is more but I thought I would give everyone who stuck around to read this a break.

    Part II will be ready in probably a week but most likely two weeks because I am always behind on everything I do.

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  • InBipolar II, Holistic healing, Lifestyle, Relationships

    Making Peace with the Universe

    A few weeks ago I started reading “You are a Badass How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero.

    You are a Badass

     

    This is a book I’ve been trying to avoid at all cost. It’s everywhere and so many people I know have read and gushed about it. I despise self -help books it’s like they tell you things you already know. They bore me and for the most part I feel like I can help myself if I can just focus or if my bipolar isn’t acting up and causing trouble.

    So ever since the day my husband gave me to great advice of, stop searching. I’ve really have stopped searching. Instead I listen; I listen to the universe and allow the universe to guide me as well as my heart. While we were on our little weekend getaway I popped in a book store and the book was right on the shelf staring me in my face. I thought ok universe I’ll get the damn book. I did and started to read it right away then life happened. Kids, hectic work schedule, a little anxiety and bipolar thrown in, so I did the next best thing, I listened to the audio book. The book was great and was totally in line with how my life was going. I didn’t hate it like I thought I would. It was very helpful and now I listen to the audio book at least once a week to reaffirm what I’ve learned from the book. What I liked the most is her mention of the universe and how that really resonated with me.

    Since I’ve stopped searching I’ve been a bit more in harmony with the universe.  I find I do not have the cluttered up thoughts in my mind or as much anxiety. At times I  feel at peace and at ease, it’s a strange feeling especially for someone who was used to having chaos in her brain 24/7. I also started to meditate but I am failing miserably at this mainly because I am not making it a priority and only trying to fit in a few minutes here and there. I really want to do better with that, baby steps.

    Even though I am still for the universe to guide me, it is guiding me. I am not sitting around doing nada all day long. These days are more productive. Exciting things happening for me the first qtr of 2018, the main one being filing for nonprofit status, I’ve wanted to do this for years but was too scared to make the jump. With love and support I took the leap and I will find out if it’s approved in about 30 days or so. I’ve master the baby step technique this year and I am no longer beating myself up for not doing enough.

    This new way of living is new to me but it is also helpful for the bipolar that tries to disrupt my life at times. When I feel the rise of bipolar inside of me I quickly think of things I am grateful for. I try to refocus my thoughts to things that are good in my life. While my bipolar isn’t as bothersome as was in the past I still have it and still shows up. I have to remember that I do have an illness and it does flare up and sometimes my found way of living still won’t ward off the bipolar effect 100%. I am trying to be much better about self-care because the minute I let that slip everything else does.

    I will be back to update on the care-packages on how you can sponsor one for someone struggling with a mental illness or get one for yourself. This is a project very near and dear to my heart. I wish I could get out more but baby steps 🙂

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