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Browsing Tag:

bipolar

  • InBipolar II

    Who is Pepper Vintage Part I- The Part where “Vintage” made sense

    Who the heck is Pepper Vintage , where did she come from and Why Pepper Vintage?

    I get asked this question quite a bit I never really answer it because it’s such a long story and involves my life falling apart. So if your ready for story of a woman losing herself, hitting complete rock bottom , eventually dusting herself off and finding herself then keep reading. If not the short version is this. Pepper is me , she was created to represent me and my journey with bipolar but before that she was going to be a vintage store (see pictures way below)

    Ok long story and kudos for you sticking around to read this.

    Below is the doodle of Pepper and the first concept.  Inspiration came from Madonna’s children book The English Roses.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/302234.The_English_Roses

    Below are the early versions of Pepper Vintage circa 2009.

    I always loved and enjoyed working in retail. What I loved most about retail was helping women find the perfect outfit. It wasn’t just clothes or shopping it was about helping women feel their best not matter what their age or shape.

    In 2009 I wanted to start a vintage online shop. I had purchased a few dresses to get me started. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of the dressed that inspired the logo. The most important thing that I can tell you was that IT HAD POCKETS, and it was adorable, oh and also it was from Montgomery Wards.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Ward

    Below is a collage of dresses I collected and then sold.

    At the time I was suffering from depression. I had a pretty good melt down a few years before this and I my life was barely holding on for dear life.  This dream meant the world to me and it gave me something to focus on  other than my life falling apart and my inner demons. So I am a bit ADD so hang on because I am going to switch to my life crumbling to Pepper Vintage quite a bit.

    2009 I gave birth to my 5th child and I was a wreck of a mess. If you know anything about my story I gave up my 5th kid for adoption. (another blog for another time)

    I was  sadness, despair and a little self destruction all wrapped in one.

    To relieve some of that sadness we adopted a little black dog who we named ……. you guessed it, Pepper. She was a sweet rescue from the SPCA, she was part of a horrible puppy mill that was shut down and on the news. This sweet girl was over bred and was severely neglected. I knew she was in bad shape but I wanted to give her a home and show her a better life. Sadly a few days later she became very ill, and was diagnosed with distemper. She was laid to rest, we had her for only a week but I loved her so much. Losing Pepper crushed my soul. I can’t tell you how much I needed that dog, I needed to love and nurture after giving up a baby for adoption.

    (Pepper and AJ)

    After that devastating loss I still held on the idea of my Vintage Dress shop but it never went anywhere just remained a dream. Life started crumble around me pretty quickly. The depression was getting worse and so was my drinking (by the way I was misdiagnosed, I really had Bipolar ) Having Bipolar and being treated with antidepressants was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.

    The End of Part I …..

    Part II is when I destroy my life. Yep there is more but I thought I would give everyone who stuck around to read this a break.

    Part II will be ready in probably a week but most likely two weeks because I am always behind on everything I do.

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  • InBipolar II, Holistic healing, Lifestyle, Relationships

    Making Peace with the Universe

    A few weeks ago I started reading “You are a Badass How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero.

    You are a Badass

     

    This is a book I’ve been trying to avoid at all cost. It’s everywhere and so many people I know have read and gushed about it. I despise self -help books it’s like they tell you things you already know. They bore me and for the most part I feel like I can help myself if I can just focus or if my bipolar isn’t acting up and causing trouble.

    So ever since the day my husband gave me to great advice of, stop searching. I’ve really have stopped searching. Instead I listen; I listen to the universe and allow the universe to guide me as well as my heart. While we were on our little weekend getaway I popped in a book store and the book was right on the shelf staring me in my face. I thought ok universe I’ll get the damn book. I did and started to read it right away then life happened. Kids, hectic work schedule, a little anxiety and bipolar thrown in, so I did the next best thing, I listened to the audio book. The book was great and was totally in line with how my life was going. I didn’t hate it like I thought I would. It was very helpful and now I listen to the audio book at least once a week to reaffirm what I’ve learned from the book. What I liked the most is her mention of the universe and how that really resonated with me.

    Since I’ve stopped searching I’ve been a bit more in harmony with the universe.  I find I do not have the cluttered up thoughts in my mind or as much anxiety. At times I  feel at peace and at ease, it’s a strange feeling especially for someone who was used to having chaos in her brain 24/7. I also started to meditate but I am failing miserably at this mainly because I am not making it a priority and only trying to fit in a few minutes here and there. I really want to do better with that, baby steps.

    Even though I am still for the universe to guide me, it is guiding me. I am not sitting around doing nada all day long. These days are more productive. Exciting things happening for me the first qtr of 2018, the main one being filing for nonprofit status, I’ve wanted to do this for years but was too scared to make the jump. With love and support I took the leap and I will find out if it’s approved in about 30 days or so. I’ve master the baby step technique this year and I am no longer beating myself up for not doing enough.

    This new way of living is new to me but it is also helpful for the bipolar that tries to disrupt my life at times. When I feel the rise of bipolar inside of me I quickly think of things I am grateful for. I try to refocus my thoughts to things that are good in my life. While my bipolar isn’t as bothersome as was in the past I still have it and still shows up. I have to remember that I do have an illness and it does flare up and sometimes my found way of living still won’t ward off the bipolar effect 100%. I am trying to be much better about self-care because the minute I let that slip everything else does.

    I will be back to update on the care-packages on how you can sponsor one for someone struggling with a mental illness or get one for yourself. This is a project very near and dear to my heart. I wish I could get out more but baby steps 🙂

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  • InAsk Pepper, Bipolar II, Holistic healing, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods, Therapy

    Productive Manic Weekend

    What a productive weekend.

    I had the final touches for pepper birthday cards created. Thank you spouse for your illustration skills.

    Started my application to turn Pepper into a non profit.

    Made some cash selling on Poshmark.

    Pepper Poshmark

    Prepared another care package

    Had brunch with my bff and found out that bacon jam is heaven on earth. Thank you Jessica

    Bacon Jam

    Celebrated my oldest 24th birthday!!! (How’d he get so old lol )

    Created final T-shirt design for imperfectly perfect thank you again spouse for your illustration skills.

    I did some peer to peer support on 7 Cups

    Finished my blog post I started weeks ago.

    Stop Searching

    This is what a manic weekend can look like but also have a great support group.

    Sometimes I can be off putting because I seem like I’m trying to out do people.

    I find it hard at times to answer the question what are you up to? I usually don’t share all the things I am up to especially when I’m manic.

    I promise I’m not trying to over achieve but I do enjoying hitting my goals when I have the energy . I’m living my life guided by my heart and sometimes my manic mood grants me the extra energy to accomplish lots on the to do list. I’m lucky to have people in my life that help me along on all these projects. I look forward to the manic mood because I will have my weeks where I’m at a stand still.

    This year I’m putting extra effort to taking Pepper to the next level.

    Thankful for all of you for pushing me along extending kindness so I can get brave to do these scary things.

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  • InBipolar II, Holistic healing, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods, Relationships, Therapy

    Stop Searching

    One day while I was going on and on about trying to find purpose and make things work and what should I do with my life, blah blah blah. Right in the middle of my existential woe is me crisis I received the most valuable and treasured advice from my spouse.

    He said simply “ stop searching”.

    He is wise and most times it takes me about 6 months to catch up to his wisdom. He is so gracious about it too. He’ll offer advice and almost immediately I’ll frown at it only to come back to him months later as if it was my own idea. Usually he’ll give me his smug smile, the smile that says I told you so without being a jerk about it.

    When he said stop searching , it was one of the few times I stopped in my tracks and said “You’re right !”

    Lately I have really tried to be still and listen to the universe. I let it guide me rather than me trying to control it. This year I have also made a conscious effort in going with my heart and my intuition.  You can’t go wrong with listening to your heart right? What could go wrong…. Except that you put yourself out there, allow yourself to be vulnerable and maybe possibly be laughed at. How bad can it be lol.

    I come up with lots of crazy ideas that are sometimes met with giggles or advice like “how about you do adult things first, work really hard at your job move up the ladder and when you retire you can do all these things” or my favorite one “take care of your kids, you’re a mom and moms can’t have dreams until AFTER the kids bleed you dry of all your energy and money”. I totally don’t listen to that type of talk and those people are no longer in my life. I am a big believer in going after your passions even while adulting and raising kids.

    I am allowing the Universe /God / and my heart to take the reins.  I welcome the sneers and the giggles because we have only ONE life and I am running with my passion. I was born to do things, to serve and to help others. That is who I am. I am no longer trying to go against that.

    This year I started my care package program and I am overwhelmed by the responses to it. I set some pretty big goals this year and one of them is to send out love light and hope to those suffering from mental illness. We must do better as a society to let people know they are not alone, that they matter and the world needs them. If we can just give people a little hope imagine how much better the world will be.

    I am still on my 2018 goals as well.

    No toxic people

    No negativity

    And only positive vibes.

    I hope that 2018 is treating you well and that you focus on the positive around you. If you ever feel in despair and alone ,please know that you are not. There are people on this earth that care and want you to know that you are loved. Be kind to yourself  , be gentle to yourself and most of all love yourself.

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  • InBipolar II, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods

    Imperfectly Perfect

    This is the season when usually I’m way deep down in the dark hole of depression. I’m typically battling my way to the light. This season I’ve found myself in unfamiliar territory for this time of the year , hypomania.

    Hypomania has benefited me in several ways but it also caused a lot of headaches.

    First the benefits. I have enjoyed the creative flow and the confidence hypomania has given me. Also enjoy the energy spike, it’s has been a pretty good change from the constant exhaustion. I’m hitting goals that I haven’t been able to get to all year. Overall I’ve felt pretty good and energetic.

    Now the downfalls: although I’m enjoying the energy spike the energy also turns into anxiety. I get so high I end up anxious and panicked. It’s a strange feeling. The creative flow is great but the excessive thoughts and flight of ideas literally make me dizzy and a little confused. My spouse feels sorry for me at times because he witnessed how all over the place I am. He’s been a great help by sitting with me and organizing my ideas.

    In this mood I had the idea of creating more mugs for my Etsy shop and thus the picture of the mug in this post. This is only one of many ideas the mood gave me and also the confidence to follow through. The cup can be found in my Etsy shop. Anyone who purchases a cup will help me send out care-packages to those struggling with mental illness.

    https://www.etsy.com/listing/565407678/imperfectly-perfect-cappuccino-mug-we

    I started a PSA campaign this week.

    My goal is to get out 100 cards this month. I have 2 weeks to complete this task, so far I’ve only given out 5 but in my defense I only had 5 with me. I need to get organized for sure.

    Next month my goal is to design a new one and get 1000 out there. (Pretty sure that’s hypomania talking but it’s good to have a goal )

    I know this PSA isn’t anything huge but I hope it spreads the word and maybe gives someone hope. I was almost discouraged to not do this but I pushed past the criticism and went with my heart.

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  • InBipolar II, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods

    The Sad Season

    Sometimes I’m sad for no reason. Bipolar is a sneaky little pest. I have rapid cycling Bipolar and for the most part I do ok. For whatever reason Fall and Winter are not my months. As we make our way from fall to winter I struggle more and more as each month pass.

    Sometimes I get to the point of sadness where I feel scared ,lost and lonely. I wished I didn’t have to hide or fight it. I don’t feel suicidal but i feel super sad and heart broken. It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to fake it.

    I find the hardest part of my illness is trying to portray to the world I’m ok. When in reality I’m not. I’d like to be able to be sad and just say no I’m not ok and yes I’ve been crying. Society says if we don’t put on a good face for the world outside we are not fighting and instead we are giving into our illness.

    Let’s say I have a cold. I’m not expected to hide my symptoms maybe keep them under control by taking cough medicine or something like that but I still look sick. That’s ok. Society says “oh you have a cold, get some rest take care of yourself. ”

    If I’m depressed I’m expected to still seem bubbly and put a smile on my face.

    I write this to say that it’s exhausting and I do the fake it till I make it because I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable around me. I will do myself a favor and take time off and stay in bed. Sometimes it’s less stressful to not face the world. I call it getting rest. Letting my mind and soul sleep off the icky stuff. If it were a cold and not depression I’d do the same thing.

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  • InBipolar II, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods, Relationships, Therapy

    Hypersexuality

    The fall/winter season is brutal for me; it’s like clockwork ,the time changes and I go spiraling down into the dark rabbit hole of depression. I am diagnosed as rapid cycling so fortunately (sometimes unfortunately) for me I also experience manic moods in between the spirals. Both moods aren’t good to have but the manic mood can provide some relief to the darkness.

    Manic moods are often welcoming until they start to cause problems. I am grateful that I have made connections with people like myself, they have turned out to be my saving grace during the crazy times. The importance of having friends that have the same illness as you can be life saving. There are many times my bipolar friends have talked me off the ledge (figuratively of course)

    During manic moods often times hypersexuality will show up adding more chaos to the mix. (By the way Hypersexuality  in my opinion is not discuss enough.) It is real burden to carry and especially hard to work through if you have no one to talk to. The subject is even more taboo when it comes to woman, especially one in a committed relationship.

    If you are interested in understanding what Hypersexuality is here is a link to BPHope and articles in relation to Hypersexuality.

    https://www.bphope.com/symptoms/hypersexuality/

    It is uncomfortable to try to talk to someone who is “normal” and never experienced this symptom . To explain that you are struggling with (for a lack of better words) keeping it in your pants or in my case keeping your legs closed can get you some weird looks or worst loss of friendships. This is a symptom of mania and no one should  feel ashamed for feeling they way you do during this time. There should be a safe place where you can discuss this issue. Friends who are like me can relate and we talk through it. I can be held accountable by having them check on me until the mood passes and/or  I make an appointment with my non judgmental therapist. (There’s another story on that – because judgmental therapist are the worst)

    Having these types of talks with your companion can turn into nasty arguments that clearly aren’t good for a person going through hyper sexuality . I never bring this topic up in my current relationship because thankfully I have a great support group that understands. Hypersexuality doesn’t equal a terrible person it is symptom of a much bigger issue. I hope we can start to focus on this and how we can cope with this taboo symptom of mania.. It is one of the nuances of having Bipolar and I am glad hypersexuality does not show up often but when it does I at least have somewhat of a game plan.

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