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  • InBipolar II

    Who is Pepper Vintage Part I- The Part where “Vintage” made sense

    Who the heck is Pepper Vintage , where did she come from and Why Pepper Vintage?

    I get asked this question quite a bit I never really answer it because it’s such a long story and involves my life falling apart. So if your ready for story of a woman losing herself, hitting complete rock bottom , eventually dusting herself off and finding herself then keep reading. If not the short version is this. Pepper is me , she was created to represent me and my journey with bipolar but before that she was going to be a vintage store (see pictures way below)

    Ok long story and kudos for you sticking around to read this.

    Below is the doodle of Pepper and the first concept.  Inspiration came from Madonna’s children book The English Roses.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/302234.The_English_Roses

    Below are the early versions of Pepper Vintage circa 2009.

    I always loved and enjoyed working in retail. What I loved most about retail was helping women find the perfect outfit. It wasn’t just clothes or shopping it was about helping women feel their best not matter what their age or shape.

    In 2009 I wanted to start a vintage online shop. I had purchased a few dresses to get me started. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of the dressed that inspired the logo. The most important thing that I can tell you was that IT HAD POCKETS, and it was adorable, oh and also it was from Montgomery Wards.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Ward

    Below is a collage of dresses I collected and then sold.

    At the time I was suffering from depression. I had a pretty good melt down a few years before this and I my life was barely holding on for dear life.  This dream meant the world to me and it gave me something to focus on  other than my life falling apart and my inner demons. So I am a bit ADD so hang on because I am going to switch to my life crumbling to Pepper Vintage quite a bit.

    2009 I gave birth to my 5th child and I was a wreck of a mess. If you know anything about my story I gave up my 5th kid for adoption. (another blog for another time)

    I was  sadness, despair and a little self destruction all wrapped in one.

    To relieve some of that sadness we adopted a little black dog who we named ……. you guessed it, Pepper. She was a sweet rescue from the SPCA, she was part of a horrible puppy mill that was shut down and on the news. This sweet girl was over bred and was severely neglected. I knew she was in bad shape but I wanted to give her a home and show her a better life. Sadly a few days later she became very ill, and was diagnosed with distemper. She was laid to rest, we had her for only a week but I loved her so much. Losing Pepper crushed my soul. I can’t tell you how much I needed that dog, I needed to love and nurture after giving up a baby for adoption.

    (Pepper and AJ)

    After that devastating loss I still held on the idea of my Vintage Dress shop but it never went anywhere just remained a dream. Life started crumble around me pretty quickly. The depression was getting worse and so was my drinking (by the way I was misdiagnosed, I really had Bipolar ) Having Bipolar and being treated with antidepressants was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.

    The End of Part I …..

    Part II is when I destroy my life. Yep there is more but I thought I would give everyone who stuck around to read this a break.

    Part II will be ready in probably a week but most likely two weeks because I am always behind on everything I do.

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  • InBipolar II, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Moods, Relationships, Therapy

    Hypersexuality

    The fall/winter season is brutal for me; it’s like clockwork ,the time changes and I go spiraling down into the dark rabbit hole of depression. I am diagnosed as rapid cycling so fortunately (sometimes unfortunately) for me I also experience manic moods in between the spirals. Both moods aren’t good to have but the manic mood can provide some relief to the darkness.

    Manic moods are often welcoming until they start to cause problems. I am grateful that I have made connections with people like myself, they have turned out to be my saving grace during the crazy times. The importance of having friends that have the same illness as you can be life saving. There are many times my bipolar friends have talked me off the ledge (figuratively of course)

    During manic moods often times hypersexuality will show up adding more chaos to the mix. (By the way Hypersexuality  in my opinion is not discuss enough.) It is real burden to carry and especially hard to work through if you have no one to talk to. The subject is even more taboo when it comes to woman, especially one in a committed relationship.

    If you are interested in understanding what Hypersexuality is here is a link to BPHope and articles in relation to Hypersexuality.

    https://www.bphope.com/symptoms/hypersexuality/

    It is uncomfortable to try to talk to someone who is “normal” and never experienced this symptom . To explain that you are struggling with (for a lack of better words) keeping it in your pants or in my case keeping your legs closed can get you some weird looks or worst loss of friendships. This is a symptom of mania and no one should  feel ashamed for feeling they way you do during this time. There should be a safe place where you can discuss this issue. Friends who are like me can relate and we talk through it. I can be held accountable by having them check on me until the mood passes and/or  I make an appointment with my non judgmental therapist. (There’s another story on that – because judgmental therapist are the worst)

    Having these types of talks with your companion can turn into nasty arguments that clearly aren’t good for a person going through hyper sexuality . I never bring this topic up in my current relationship because thankfully I have a great support group that understands. Hypersexuality doesn’t equal a terrible person it is symptom of a much bigger issue. I hope we can start to focus on this and how we can cope with this taboo symptom of mania.. It is one of the nuances of having Bipolar and I am glad hypersexuality does not show up often but when it does I at least have somewhat of a game plan.

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  • InBipolar II, Lifestyle, Mental Health Awareness, Therapy

    My Best Friend Buttons

    This is my best friend just a little tidbit about her. My husband bought her for me from a breeder in the hood ( PLEASE no lectures he meant well and we did save her from from a potential terrible situation)
    She was only 4 weeks old and I had to bottle feed her. Also there was a horrible distemper outbreak in Houston at the time and we were advised to keep her inside for a few months ,even after her vaccinations. I was so paranoid I kept her inside for 6 months of her life. (she hates other dogs as a result of living life like an inside cat) oh yeah she did have a cat friend to keep her company.
    Buttons came into my life in early 2010 a few months after I gave up a beautiful baby boy for adoption. She saved me and she is way too good for me.
    I don’t think I can ever pay her back for the amount of love and comfort she’s given me. This is my Buttons and I love her more than she will ever know.

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